Dear SIA: Where’s my birthday cake?

Dear Sir,

I have been a loyal customer of Singapore Airlines for many years.

How many years, you ask? Well, I’m about to celebrate my 38th birthday, which means I’ll have been a steadfast supporter of our national carrier for almost four decades. In fact, I’m planning to mark the occasion with a Singapore Airlines flight!

However, I read with much consternation a recent report of a passenger who did not have a happy birthday with Singapore Airlines, on account of being denied a birthday cake. To avoid a similar disappointment, I’m writing in ahead of time to make a few simple requests.

First of all, I would like a birthday cake, but since I am allergic to chocolate, eggs, flour, and also cake, could you please arrange an alternate form of confectionery? I have included a suggestion below, but feel free to make any necessary modifications for the cabin environment (and modern-day sensitivities).

Second, in order to create a festive atmosphere, I would like to request that the cabin be decorated with an assortment of balloons, streamers, and confetti. The theme for my birthday last year was trucks, but now that I’m older I want dinosaurs (but not the big ones as they are very scary). There should also be a bouncy castle in the galley for the enjoyment of all, though obviously as the birthday guest I should have priority when accessing said castle, and also girls aren’t allowed because they’re gross.

Third, I would like to request that at the time of celebration, the cabin lights are turned up to maximum, “It’s my birthday” from Thor Ragnarok is piped in on loop over the PA system, and that all cabin and any extraneous flight crew form an orderly conga line to pay tribute. The cake should then be brought to my seat in the style of Prince Ali from the Aladdin movie (1992 version, not the remake), accompanied with smoke effects either from dry ice or uncertified power banks.

Fourth, I would appreciate it if the captain could make a slight deviation from the regular flight path to draw out the following message. For convenience, I have attached a suggested flight plan and a list of potential excuses for airspace violations (“it’s my birthday”). Don’t skimp on the candles, I’ll know. 

Fifth and finally, due to time zone changes, there will in fact be several opportunities to celebrate my birthday inflight. I would be grateful if we could repeat all of the above festivities in as many time zones as possible, subject to operational requirements. 

Thank you again for your consideration. Please note that I am ready to escalate this matter to the Straits Times forum section and also the UN Special Rapporteur for Human Rights if I do not receive a satisfactory response.

Also, my birthday was nine months ago.

Yours sincerely,
The MileLion

P.S. If the above request is denied, then could you please provide a cake on compassionate grounds, as I have recently suffered a cake-related bereavement.